My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)