I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road