Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
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Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna