i’ve found my new favorite subculture
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It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.