I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.