Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing