me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.