Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
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I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My safe word is Worcestershire
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?