16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
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Body by sandwich.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
No Google it does not
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms