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My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator