Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor