My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
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*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Lmbo
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her