[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’m not stressed
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.