that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
asked my bf how work was today
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.