If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I feel like one of these would kill a European
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why