My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
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My spirit animal is fried chicken
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”![]()
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.