Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
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Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.