Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.