[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.