“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
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me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.