The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.