If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
You Might Also Like
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones