[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.