If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
You learn something every day
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Not recommended for beginners.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.