I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Merica.