If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.