ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[screaming into the void]
MARCO