Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.