Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
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Bringing home a sharpie
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
u spoke cat all this time??????
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros