So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Raisins are grape jerky.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Made something I’m not proud of
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out