I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat