My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.