Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
getting old is fun
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.