A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Driving in Europe vs Canada
me and who
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today