gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
You Might Also Like
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
He-man has a Masters degree