If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
rise and shine we got egg
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*