i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I hope they boil the right one.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?