Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My plans: 2020:
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet