Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
☠️☠️☠️
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.