I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG