8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
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Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Life is a suicide mission.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.