Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
You Might Also Like
Ron is short for Aaronald
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly