My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.