I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.