I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
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me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
i will avenge u mr van gogh
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Gods work.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.