i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
New mindset, who dis?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.