Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
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The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it