The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
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sistine chapel
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
This woman is my idol. Free her.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8