Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Care for your back
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.