I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
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I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
the three genders
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back